Not ready for a new year

I do not want to enter into a new year. I don’t want to enjoy a year in which my mom has not been a party of it. This causes extreme heartache in the depths of my soul. As people ring in a new year with joy and exuberance – all I can think of over and over in my head is…. Please, no, make the nightmare end. Please, tell me this has all been a joke. Please tell me the bright shining light of my mother on this earth still will be with me. In the human form- in the talking or texting every day kind of form. Please tell me my mom will meet my daughter and watch my kids grow. Please tell me heart it will be okay. New Years is often a time of deep reflection– reflection of where you have come from and where you want to go with your life. Well, I don’t want to go anywhere. I have no desire for New Years resolutions, zero reflections, and honestly – I still battle with intense and painful anger. Anger and grief and this chasm of pain… They don’t seem to blend well with ‘starting anew’ in 2014. The only reflection I feel capable of making – is the one that reminds me of how important and special my mom made me feel, made others around her feel and how much fun she had in her life. It’s hard to sit and remember sometimes tho- it causes the missing her to tear through me like a knife. My mom had the best and most loving hugs and would look at you with deep kindness and patience. Her patience for me was amazing. It remains emblazoned in my mind and on my heart her deep deep love for me. Her deep love for my children. She made you feel like you so so special on this planet. I keep asking ‘why’. All the usual and expected why’s when someone so unique and special and healthy gets sick and fights cancer and doesn’t survive. How did this happen? How does this happen to someone who did everything right to care for her body, mind and soul? And then why did this happen to someone so so undeserving of being given a short life. I am still working on trusting love. I can’t quite seem to trust anything anymore. My mom trusted love and – well- what did that do for her? I know, it did a lot of things for her while she was sick.
I miss my mom. Her calming spirit and her genuine smile. I want a re-do of 2013. I need to do it differently. I can barely tolerate going into a new year when I want to re-do the last year if my my moms life. My best friends life. It’s so cliche- but- I just want more time. And I want to do the last year with more love and compassion and grace. I wanted my moms last year to be a better reflection of all the love she put out into the world and gave to others. I want her to feel how she has made so many others feel- loved to the ends of the earth. I wish people could learn from my mistakes. How blinded by grief I was that I could not remain in the present. And tho it is not helpful to judge my grieving self of 2013– I can not help it. While others ring in the new year with joy, I ring it in with such sadness it envelopes me. As I write I think…. Trust Love…. How do I do that? As I was thinking of a theme word for 2014 the only word that popped up was LOVE. I am not sure what this means for me. ( years passed have ranged from peace – as in have more peace, give others peace, manifest peace etc).
Love? 2014…. Year of Love? Maybe I can try it? With my mom as my guide…..

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Headaches

I have found it difficult to do proper self care when I feel so sad. I have found it a challenge to care about what I wear and how I look when I am drowning in deep grief. It dawns on me this is something I need to attend to. Something I need to take care of. But as I told my friend – it’s the last thing on my mind lately. The first thing on my mind is my three kids, then husband, then trying to keep house clean, laundry etc …. And then.. Way at the end of the totem pole…. Is what my mom would call ‘self care’. It has gone by the wayside for close to six months. Yes. My mom has been gone for close to six months. And it makes me throw up a little or severely gag even typing that right now. It makes my eyes fill with tears.
Anyhow. Self care. Trusting love. Being in the present. All of these things are on my mind. I am still angry. I am still pretty pissed off at the universe for giving someone cancer that took such amazing care if herself. The notion that my mom of all people got this strange and random cancer is absolute crap. This person that walked nearly every day, ate healthy, meditated regularly. Yes. It’s all friggin crap. Again. I go back to the darn headache. I have one. Every. Single. Day. And. If I did a bit better self care, I think the headache would go away. So, I am thinking about it. Less angry, less distracted, less mushy brain…. I think maybe if I am more ‘in the present moment’ – it might help. I dunno. I am just not sure. I know it works for many….. I’ll have to think on it. Think really hard on it. My mom said ‘incorporating something new is easier than trying to get rid of a behavior’. So maybe, if I try to add being present, my pissed off and sad brain will get a breather. Just a thought. Trust love.

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Sleep, grief and …

I can’t sleep. I am so sad. Today was as hard as I expected without my mom. My husband and step dad did an amazing job today of helping to make the day a nice one. Last night, for Christmas Eve, we spent time with my dad and step mom; which was also lovely. The smells of baked goods, (we made cookies Christmas eve morning) and being merry remind me of my mom. My step dad did a beautiful job today of honoring our Christmas traditions with pan dulce (Mexican sweet bread) and Mexican hot chocolate. He stuffed the stockings and hung them with loving care. His Christmas presents were kind and thoughtful. My moms sparkly smile and amazing laugh was missing for me the entire day. This balance of honoring her, remembering her and being present for my husband and kids is confusing. My learning moment for today was the idea to create alter area. I need a spot in my house to honor my mom.
People just don’t know how to do grief. It’s weird how no one talks about it or acknowledges the elephant in the room or even offers a kind hug and acknowledgment that this must be a hard time of year.
I made so many mistakes in the past year. So many missed moments with my mom. So many things that could have been different that would have made such a difference in her life when she was alive and would now make a difference for me since she is gone- and yet – if I practice being in this one single moment here is what I know.
I know I am sitting in a cozy warm bed, I know I am deeply tired, I know in this minute that I am grateful for my family and for the roof over my head. In this one minute, I miss my mom so much I feel like throwing up. I know I am super tired and still find myself confused that this is my life.

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Senses.

I had a full blown, nearly fainting episode of panic attack inside the Homeless garden project trying to buy candles and honey for my step mom.
I was Light headed and all.
The smell of lavender.
I Had to JET outta there before passing out. . It was pretty intense.
My breathing was very rattled.
I find I can’t calm down. I feel very edgy and my body vibrates again with the deep missing and longing for my mom.
I feel empty.
Tired.
Alone.
Just the smell of lavender alone could effect me so deeply.
My mom used to hide lavender in my drawers, in my couch and in my jacket pockets. I see it as hiding love all around my house.

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Birthdays

Today was my twin boys 4th birthday. And my mom was not here. I am not sure how I survived the day. I am not sure I recall most of the day. I cried profusely at the end of the day, while talking with my step dad about my intense emotional connection to my moms camera. Seeing the boys through the same lens she used to capture all the excitement of a you d child growing up. Feeling the anguish of my moms life cut short at such an early age. Today was also a mix of gratitude for my family of choice. They just keep showing up for me in every way. Keep showing up for my family and just helping us in the remembering. They made a song photo books for my boys. The thoughtfulness and heartache involved in creating something like that would have been so difficult. I keep wanting to remember. But I feel so stuck on the past 12 months. So stuck on mistakes and regrets and words left unsaid and actions not taken. When and how do I forgive myself. When and how do I release the anger and self righteous feeling they our family did not deserve this tragedy and that my mom did not deserve this – based on the lovely, meditative life she loved and lived.
I still breathe anger. I still see red when I think of all the ‘what if’s’ and ‘wish we would haves’. Anger. Despair. Pain. Heartache. Insomnia. Ghost.

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Longing.

I long for my mom. I long for her wisdom and smile and laughter. I long for her hugs and support and deep unyielding love. I long for her sense of fun and adventure and the unique way she viewed the world. (Especially as I parent three little monkeys).
The volume of disbelief that comes with this type of grief is simply breathtaking and paralyzing. The way the grief is impacting my brain and body is frightening. The way I feel out of touch with reality on a regular basis is scary. I want to hide from this heartache but my mom always said ‘be present’ and so I sit here and acknowledge that in this one single minute- I am angry and pissed and furious and scared and sad and filled with sorrow that my mom is not here with me. My heart is filled with a chasm of holes and never ending sorrow.

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Deep sorrow.

I miss my mom tonight. I am feeling dumpy and pathetic and weepy.
Not that I don’t miss her a zillion times every day. It’s just different tonight- in the pit of my stomach. I know it’s because I am using her iPad tonight. Looking at the loving way she took photos of everyone she loved. I also know its because I was looking at those photos through her eyes- the eyes of someone who was sitting all of the time throughout this past year. Which was the exact opposite of my mom. My mom was vibrant and filled with joy and wonder of life and filled with experiencing fun. The pain in my chest is searing. The missing and the yearning is daunting. How do I hold on to her essence. How so I hold on to it all? I don’t know. I need to figure it out though. For myself and my kids. I need to preserve all that is good and wonderful about Donna. For my sanity.
I miss my mom. I need her here. I want her here with me. I am deeply sad.

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