Today was my twin boys 4th birthday. And my mom was not here. I am not sure how I survived the day. I am not sure I recall most of the day. I cried profusely at the end of the day, while talking with my step dad about my intense emotional connection to my moms camera. Seeing the boys through the same lens she used to capture all the excitement of a you d child growing up. Feeling the anguish of my moms life cut short at such an early age. Today was also a mix of gratitude for my family of choice. They just keep showing up for me in every way. Keep showing up for my family and just helping us in the remembering. They made a song photo books for my boys. The thoughtfulness and heartache involved in creating something like that would have been so difficult. I keep wanting to remember. But I feel so stuck on the past 12 months. So stuck on mistakes and regrets and words left unsaid and actions not taken. When and how do I forgive myself. When and how do I release the anger and self righteous feeling they our family did not deserve this tragedy and that my mom did not deserve this – based on the lovely, meditative life she loved and lived.
I still breathe anger. I still see red when I think of all the ‘what if’s’ and ‘wish we would haves’. Anger. Despair. Pain. Heartache. Insomnia. Ghost.