Here I am- feeling utterly alone in my grief. It has been a long time since I came here- to the safety of this quiet space in which I can write- to unclog the tear ducts in my heart and in my eyes. The heartache of today is the one of every day for nearly five years; the loss of my most amazing, words cannot describe how unique- mother. I decided to come back to writing tonight to freeze time in this minute; to hold this single space in time–to hold onto the thoughts running through my mind and heart. My children are now 8, 8, and 4. My boys memory of my mother is fading and all my daughter has of my mother is the stories my dear amazing loved ones tell her.
I am filled with anger tonight as well as heartache. Why have I not been writing? Why haven’t I preserved my memories with my mother? Where is it all going- these memories? Not everyone understands this kind of grief; the kind that lingers and resurfaces. People certainly have the ‘time will heal’ statement down pat. Often people do not understand that the grief of being a mother without your mother– well that grief is always there; just under the surface…. lingering….
Tonight; that changes.
While I can’t change how fast the past nearly 5 years have sped by. Tonight. time will stand still as I remember.
I remember my mother’s heart. Her generosity. Her telling me to do the work I feel pulled to do and that the money will follow.
I remember the pride she said she felt when I finished graduate school. I remember her telling me how fun it was to watch me play softball in high school. I remember I did not make the cheer leading squad and her telling me ‘your are not cheering about the results honey- but I am’. She knew I had another path and that path lead to Field hockey and some of the most amazing days of my adolescence. I remember the softness and warmth of her smile and her hugs. Her smile was as big as the sunshine.
My mom taught me about ‘family of choice’. She taught me this very young – that sometimes the people we are actually related to – they don’t always show up for us when we need them– But our family of choice– they always show up. She gave me the best ‘un aunts’ I could have ever asked for.
Tonight. Tonight I feel lost. Filled with questions; who am I, what kind of parent am I? What kind of parent wold I be if my mom were still here?
I am so certain I would be so much better at this parenting gig if my mom was here. Her presence; it made me a better human being. She carried so much joy. She helped keep everyone’s compass directed at JOY and LOVE. The world is a muddy muddy place; with many distractions. She helped so many of us keep our compass focused on what truly matters in life; loving and showing up for our people.
Tonight; I will sit in silence and breathe deeply for five breaths — just the way she taught me at the tender age of 8 when I was feeling anxious about my parents divorce. I will breathe deeply in to the count of five and exhale to the count of five. Then, I will do a loving kindness meditation, just as she taught me as well. Her lesson always was– honey– be still and know– you are loved.