Moving on

I don’t know how people or I will move on from this sadness in my heart. I miss my mom painfully during this new year. We always made it to the beach in lovely January weather. We walked, we talked, we played with the boys in the sand. She (of course) captured it via her amazing camera lens and it would magic show up in a beautiful calendar the following year. I still have a headache. I still have a heartache. I still have – what feels like a piece of my soul missing.
My step dad has a ‘friend’. He is lonely and wants someone to talk with. His grief and my grief are so similar and in this regard – so different. Since I have a full house of kids I don’t find the need to fill the void my moms absence leaves.
I sit here with my cup of tea and feel it and …… Don’t need someone else to fill it up. My step dad can attempt to find a replacement for my mother – after 28 years – someone who can help ease the loneliness. There is no one – after 39 years of mothering- who can ease my loneliness for my mom. No one makes me feel so warm and loved. No one that could put a smile on my sons face like my mom. No one who knew me so deeply. No one who saw the good in a person first.
Yes. My heart is still broken. I can’t run on the adrenaline that my step dad chooses to run on to escape the pain and heart ache he must feel. I sit here, in the silence of my home, drink my tea quietly and feel it. It the deep dark crevices of my soul. I feel it.

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