I have found it difficult to do proper self care when I feel so sad. I have found it a challenge to care about what I wear and how I look when I am drowning in deep grief. It dawns on me this is something I need to attend to. Something I need to take care of. But as I told my friend – it’s the last thing on my mind lately. The first thing on my mind is my three kids, then husband, then trying to keep house clean, laundry etc …. And then.. Way at the end of the totem pole…. Is what my mom would call ‘self care’. It has gone by the wayside for close to six months. Yes. My mom has been gone for close to six months. And it makes me throw up a little or severely gag even typing that right now. It makes my eyes fill with tears.
Anyhow. Self care. Trusting love. Being in the present. All of these things are on my mind. I am still angry. I am still pretty pissed off at the universe for giving someone cancer that took such amazing care if herself. The notion that my mom of all people got this strange and random cancer is absolute crap. This person that walked nearly every day, ate healthy, meditated regularly. Yes. It’s all friggin crap. Again. I go back to the darn headache. I have one. Every. Single. Day. And. If I did a bit better self care, I think the headache would go away. So, I am thinking about it. Less angry, less distracted, less mushy brain…. I think maybe if I am more ‘in the present moment’ – it might help. I dunno. I am just not sure. I know it works for many….. I’ll have to think on it. Think really hard on it. My mom said ‘incorporating something new is easier than trying to get rid of a behavior’. So maybe, if I try to add being present, my pissed off and sad brain will get a breather. Just a thought. Trust love.