It is coming up on the anniversary of my mom leaving, departing, setting her sick body free. I am in pain in my heart, and entire being. It is hard to breathe. It is hard to talk. I feel anxious and so sad and alone. As the day draws near I find my regrets to be the same. I find my pain has not decreased. I find my chasm of grief is simply held on the back burner…. But a small breath brings the flame close to my heart instantly. I still find myself numb ….. And with daily headaches.
I have a ten month old now. A lovely baby my mom has never met. It hardly seems possible. I would have and could have never dreamt that this would be my life. I feel the empty, lonely feeling of floating at sea with a piece of my soul missing. My best. Friend. My. Mother.
Yes. The year has been filled with heartache and pain and deep love for this new baby.
And the deepest loneliness… More than is describable in writing…. Or in words….more than can be uttered aloud.
It is stuck. In the silence of my heart.