365 days

I am sitting on my mom’s pink chair that she had in her office, where she helped people every day as a therapist. It is quiet and all I am thinking is “I don’t want to write a thing, I have nothing more to say”. I feel numb today. I feel more loss and grief and pain, 365 days of living with out my mom than is conceivable to document in writing. I feel as if someone is sitting on my chest, breathing feels difficult; just as it did on the day my sweet and amazing mother breathed her last breath. I spent some time today going through some pictures; and the photos of her before she was sick and after she was sick were salt in my gaping wound. I feel like I want to shout from the roof tops all over again that this is NOT FAIR. LAst year at this time, I was 7 months pregnant. Today I played with my darling silly 10 month old. I look into my daughter’s eyes and feel a terrible heartache that she did not get to meet mom beautiful, smart and funny mom. It is a cruel twist of fate that my mom was over the moon I was having another child.  It is a cruel twist of fate – that each day of the entire pregnancy I was scared, tired and heartsick that my mom was sick. 

About today…. people were kind, and thoughtful and loving with their text messages of support and warmth. It helped ease some of the tightness in my being. Though; more than crying buckets today…. I found myself staring into things; the wall, the sky, the ocean, the ground. Staring, looking, searching for my mother. Everywhere I went today I was hoping to see some sign of love from her. And I found love in my children, my friends and my family of choice. It is not the same, though I appreciate it– it is not the same. Every day I miss my mom– the one person who knew the me-me. The whole me. And now; I don’t feel whole. I feel like a person who can’t breathe deeply, a person who can’t walk fast any more, a person who lost the giddy in her giddy up. While I can certainly rally for parenting time, I am not the same parent I was 366 days ago. I am slower, I am more deliberate, I am trying to be more present and I am just changed. This one year anniversary of my mother’s passing…. has left me in the same state of disbelief – same as the day before, and the day before that….my heart is broken. 365 days. It is way to many days not to hear ‘daughter, I love you”.