It was bound to happen some time. I just didn’t think it would happen this soon. I knew there would come a day when I needed to know something about myself- something either minutely small; or some event that was very big- and I would have no one to ask. Today, was that day . When I was in high school I got in a rear-ender kind of fender bender. Today my son heard me talking about fender benders and I started to tell him about the time I rear ended a car. My son asked more questions about the event– and– I didn’t know the answer. Normally I would pick up the phone and ask my mom these types of details. Today, that was not possible and it was a devastating realization. Painful, the reminder that parts of your entire life, parts of your growing up, parts of your childhood have died with your parent; buried in the ground -or burned in the cremation. This realization – each time you experience it- is terribly painful. It is unsettling; and un-mooring of sorts. It causes me to feel untethered in this life. My stable ground is gone leaving me with many questions-who am I? Where am I? What have I done with this life I have been given?To not have a person to ask questions about my childhood, or as a parent- to wonder things like “how old was I when I stopped taking naps?, what when I was anxious as a child, what techniques did you use to help me learn how to navigate the world. I suffer this pain of feeling ‘unknown’. I have a small handful of friends that truly know me inside and out and for this – I am very thankful.




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