Baby Love

There have been many days between the last post and this one.
I went into labor 27 days early and delivered our sweet baby Emma on August 4th, 23 days before her due date. I now have three kids under three and a half years old and miss my mom more profoundly than I thought possible. I was able to get through labor without a massive melt down and then – the next day, I felt this flooding of pain and heart ache start at my toes and slowly, inch its way up through my body till my heard felt like it would explode and the tears were pouring and I felt like the sobs heaving throughout my being would cause me to fall to the ground. I look at this precious and amazing new baby and I am….speechless. To feel great sorrow and great love at the same time is physically confusing and emotionally – it is daunting to be in my body and living this life right now. It is a time when my twin boys need the most love and presence and yet; I feel sometimes like I am floating above my life, watching it happen frame by frame. I hope and pray for more …. being; being present in the moment and present in my parenting, and present in my grief. Then, I want to work on remembering. Remembering all the amazing gifts my mother has bestowed on me and in me. Her love was so big, so real and so present. I can only hope and try to love like she did.

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