I miss my mom. Every damn day. I want her to see my children growing up, getting bigger, learning new words, the baby gaining weight, running faster and learning the sounds of the alphabet. I want life to be easier and things to go smoother in my life, which is difficult since so much of my brain usage is taken up thinking of how I screwed up the last year of her life by not really getting what was happening and how fast it was all going to end. People who do not give freely of their heart and soul and time are hard to be around these days. I find no tolerance for people who are not authentic. I find my souls weeps to be understood in the way my mom understood and really, truly SAW me. I will sit now, and hold my infant daughter and hope and pray that she never has to endure this kind of loss, I will sit and continue to ponder how I can honor my mom and everything she is to me- every single day. I will ponder also, how I can feel her around me– oh how I want to sense her around me and with me…. oh, for one more talk and hug….. for one more moment together. That is my wish.