Today marks one month and five days since my mom left this earth. The one month anniversary of her death was incredibly painful, the one month anniversary of her leaving her very sick body. I found myself numb and my body vibrating again; the way it was the days after she died. What I have learned in the past month is the following:

~ I am still in complete shock that in 10 short months, my vibrant, loving and health and exercise conscious mother was diagnosed with a rare cancer, had major surgery, chemo and now has died.

~I am in shock that she is gone. Every single day something happens that causes me to want to send her a text or pick up the phone and call her.

~Every day I feel an emptiness deep down in my soul.

~ I am afraid – of everything right now.

~ I wonder how I will survive this pain and this emptiness and this mind blowing fear?

~ I have learned a lot about people. Those who really SHOW UP in times of grief and those who RUN away.  I think people are interesting; death and grief cause them to either struggle with their own mortality and run away, or they struggle with how to hold and help you through your grief and they run away. People have no clue the little things they can do for others that truly make a difference. Maybe that list for others to learn from will come later…. ‘how to help your grieving friend, loved one, relative etc’ –

~ Hence I have learned a lot about the friends I keep; mostly that they are supremely amazing and the kindest people in the world.

~ and though I have learned many, many more valuable things; what I have learned is more of a ‘re-remembering’ of sorts: That my mom and I had the most amazing, unusual, deep love and friendship. I feel like the luckiest daughter in the world! I am trying these days to remember before she got sick- which is a difficult task when overwrought with deep sadness and anger about what has happened.

And my reality right now, is that each day is challenging, each day is painful and there are no good days. Not that I expected any so soon- I am just new to this level of pain, grief and loss- and so am observing these feelings out loud right now, observing and acknowledging this massive hole in my life.  And for what it is worth– I am still angry at this entire situation. Some people are more in tune with the universe and can tap into the universal message or find the positive spin on heartache, life difficulty or challenges– I am not one of them; or at least not right now. Right now– I am pissed off and miss my mom.