The past several days have been very difficult. Yesterday I was filled with Anger; deep, deep seeded anger that my life has been so fundamentally transformed into such a state of grief over the loss of my mother. I found it impossible to work through the strong emotion of grief. I have been finding it tolerable to function at work with the other grief emotions of sadness or loneliness or any ohter. When ANGER came rearing its ugly head yesterday: I could not function, I could not focus, I could not listen to what others had to say, I could not read.
This anger; it lasted all day. It lasted into the night, even though I had a good night with my children, step dad and Aunt Ginger.
This anger, was focused on not just one thing; but a myriad of people, circumstances and factors. Anger at the cancer, anger at the medical team that was treating my mother, anger at friends, myself, God, the universe- anger everwhere. There are some that say ‘one must work through the anger to move past it’- but I am not sure about that right now. I am not ready to work through it. I am going to hold on to this anger for a bit longer; hold on like it is HOT COAL. And I am going to see where I end up.